now i know why i became what i already was.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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