Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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