sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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