I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize