I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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