for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
