Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
