so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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