I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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