I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
You can't special order awesome
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
