Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
