i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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