When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
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