id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
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