remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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