two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
