I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
