Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i love accidental penises.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize