he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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