I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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