there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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