True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
