I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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