i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize