I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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