He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
