3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize