my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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