who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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