I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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