I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
