Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
