theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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