If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
