our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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