Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Randomize
