His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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