hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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