I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
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