He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
