I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
and she was petting her beer can
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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