Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize