Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
