it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
