I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
