If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
