apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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