i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
