my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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