got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I need a beard to bite.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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