I think I won the penis lottery.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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