Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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