put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
