i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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