Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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