ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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