I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
