how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
