Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
