I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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