i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize