i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
